What does it take to be a great parent?
One parenting expert claims to have the answer, but it will take a revolution.
Parenting expert, podcaster, and co-host of Channel 9 parenting TV show, Parental Guidance, Dr Justin Coulson has written a new book called “The Parenting Revolution: A Guide to Raising Resilient Kids”.
Catching up with 96five’s Jess Drummond, Dr Coulson has explained why he thinks a parenting overhaul is needed.
“So much of what we do as parents is mired in historical practices that are not often good for kids in the slightest,” he says.
Dr Coulson says “The Answer” to great parenting is “needs-supportive parenting”.
“It’s the kind of parenting that supports kids’ basic psychological needs so that they can thrive and flourish, so that they can absolutely be resilient and have high levels of wellbeing. We really need it because right now, if you look at the stats from around the world and even here in Australia, children and adolescents are struggling with mental health issues at higher rates than ever before. We need to do something different; we need a revolution.”
Dr Coulson says children have three basic psychological needs: connection, competence, and autonomy and that connection is the number one predictor of children who thrive.
“The way I describe connection is feeling seen and heard and valued – having someone, as child, who when you walk into the room, their face lights up.” Dr Justin Coulson
“They say, ‘Oh, it’s so good to see you!’ Or as a child, when they’re talking to their parents and their parents put the phone down and they look at their child in the eyes and they say, ‘Tell me more’.”
Dr Coulson says it’s important for children to feel competent and like they can master their environment.
“Think about people who hate school – why do they hate it? It’s either because of that relatedness need – socially, they just aren’t doing well – or they’re struggling. They don’t understand; nothing makes sense… they feel incompetent. Competence needs are fragile – they shatter so easily… this is why kids want to quit all the stuff that they’re not good at, because they just feel incompetent.”
Dr Coulson says children’s third basic psychological need – a sense of autonomy – doesn’t mean that parents should let children do whatever they want.
In his book, he advises parents to ask kids a question that he calls “the most powerful question in the world” – “What do you think?” He says that this question supports the basic psychological needs by keeping the relationship solid, showing belief in the child’s capability, and giving them some autonomy.
“When we say to a child, ‘What do you think?’, we’re actually showing that we trust that, intrinsic within our children, is a desire to learn, grow, get better, and be good.”
The Parenting Revolution is filled with practical tips like how to “make mornings magic” and create healthy boundaries.
Dr Coulson says that while his parenting “revolution” supports the most fundamental needs of the children, parents should not neglect their own needs in the process. If they are feeling like a failure, they may also need support to feel connection, competence, and autonomy.
Dr Justin Coulson’s new book, ‘The Parenting Revolution: A Guide to Raising Resilient Kids’ is out now.
Listen to the full interview in the player above.
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